This morning, I half-woke, and then re-dozed, to Andrew Solomon talking about depression on my radio....
Just as I was thinking: "maybe just sleeping all day is fine...maybe it's not terrible not to leave the apartment for a full weekend...it's not too late to go back to sleep for a while...what else is there anyway...," he was saying that rather than the opposite of happiness, he came to understand depression as the opposite of vitality. And I thought, "yes. exactly. I think that's close to being right..." as I closed my eyes again, to take another hour or two from the day.
[It's not as miserable as all that can sound...I mean, I was also really appreciating the perfection of my fluffer-comforter and sheets — clean-feeling and perfectly weighted...just the right warmth, highlighted by chilly spots when I would shift my feet around...cat tucked into my knees, low purr...]
When I got up, I was still thinking about that vitality bit though.
It seems close to the aimlessness and lack of ambition that's been shuffling me through dawn to dusk...
So I made coffee and wondered what I could do to encourage "vitality"...to work against the creeping ennui.
Biscuits could be a fine start. A baby step. A stopgap.
I've been making Quick Drop Biscuits a lot, for late breakfast on weekends over the past few weeks.
It started as a resourceful reach when I had no bread and few ingredients....
It continued because they're amazing.
So I made biscuits and more coffee.
I thought about how the warm smell makes things feel better — more directed, resurrected. ...and about how the outside of the biscuit is just barely crunchy and salty...and the inside fluffy and buttery...like edible magic.
Like a feeling as good as my bed, but sitting up, in proper clothing.
Then I thought about this old blog... I thought about how it felt oddly productive and fun...how my memory of that time (tinted with a deceptive nostalgia filter) is that things felt promising and young and full of potential and wholesome and good.
(Although in reality, I think my tendency to give in to sleep — the dark hedonistic erasure of time — was just as strong then...)
And then I missed that time, this blog together — and I felt vitality crawl further away...
And then I thought, with fresh resolve, fueled by perfect biscuits: well, that's within the realm of possibility once more! No reason it's gone!
See Quick Drop Biscuits, page 639.
In related news:
Now I'm going to clean my apartment!
[And maybe unpack some boxes of books — including The Joy of Cooking! (oh, I neglected to mention that in my life-paralysis, I've stopped unpacking boxes when I move to new apartments. ...and I call apartments "new" even 5 months after moving. So I've been looking up Joy recipes online, which sometimes takes 30 minutes, even though I have a real, full copy within twenty feet of my kitchen.)]
I am! Because: Vitality! I will have you!
Stay tuned.
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